Who’s on First?

In the world of caring relationships, we are often told to sacrifice—to put the needs of others before our own. This is considered by many to be the highest form of caring, of service to others.  It contains a fatal flaw, however. It is one thing to “love they neighbor as thyself” and quite another to love him more. This is a valuable clue to many of the ills of humans in society. How can you take care of someone else when you are worn out yourself?

If you continually put others before yourself, whether these are loved ones or total strangers, eventually you will pay the price. As a parent, you often must put your child’s immediate needs first. A child needs help obtaining everything: food, clothing, a place to sleep. When your child is ill, his illness disrupts your sleep. When money is short, your child gets food first. At some point, however, if you wish to be healthy, you will need to catch up. If you continue to put your child’s needs first, you may just collapse one day and no longer be able to care as lovingly or even at all. Caretakers also require care. Even parents fall ill unexpectedly, and always inconveniently! Then, confined to bed, you are finally forced to catch up on self-care.  You realize that this is not the best plan.

It is vital to look inside and ensure that you, as a caretaker, are thriving. In this context, thriving does not mean, staying upright by a thread, thoroughly enjoying the health of your loved one. Rather, it means doing well as an individual—being happy and healthy in your own right. We provide the best care to others when we provide the best care to ourselves.

New Beginnings

Center for Conscious Living has begun its second iteration. We are now located in Oregon, seeing clients in Bend and Redmond. It has taken longer than expected to get licensed in Oregon, and while it seemed excessive, I do not at all begrudge the many hours spent reviewing ethics!

It is always good to review, and reviewing the Ethical Standards for Psychologists has given me time to review how I practice and how I want to perceive my clients. These standards cover the very basics such as, never, ever enter into personal relationships with clients, maintain high standards for privacy and confidentiality, and, most important of all, FIRST DO NO HARM, a principle that is taught to every treating professional.

Unconditional Self-Acceptance vs Self-Esteem: Which one do you want?

"Can you help me to raise my self-esteem?" is one of the most common questions I am asked. The answer I offer is "No, but I can help you to achieve Unconditional Self-Acceptance." While this may sound as if I am being difficult, indeed I am not. The self-esteem movement has not taken humanity in a good direction. Self-esteem is dependent upon achievement, and perhaps just now you are not achieving what you would like to see yourself achieve. This is a trap, because if you are not entirely please with your current performance and this therefore lowers your self-esteem, then how do you raise your self-esteem to encourage yourself to achieve more to your own standards?

Unconditional Self-Acceptance (USA) is not achievement-dependent. USA depends only upon taking a realistic look at yourself and accepting that this is where you are right here, right now in your life, without judgment. Having thus accepted yourself for all of your current traits, good, bad, and neutral, you are in a position to realistically assess what you would like to change about your current behavior. Acceptance is not complacency. Accepting yourself as you are does not mean stopping there, but it allows you to comfortably re-assess without putting yourself down for this lack or that failure. It is what it is, and accepting that without negatively judging yourself, versus judging a given behavior, is what gives you the motivation to alter it.

Unconditional self-acceptance provides you with power; the power to change. The reverse of USA is NOT self-hatred; it is simply denial. Thus, if you have not yet achieved USA, this simply means you have not yet given yourself a good, hard look and accepted each and every part of you: looks, behaviors, thoughts, and feelings. Some of these are malleable, and some are fixed. You cannot change your height, but you can change your mood or how you react to your failure to make that golf shot or your tendency to eat late in the evening. You begin with completely accepting that unfavored behavior and examining the thoughts that drive it. With this non-judgmental approach, it is much easier to take on the challenge of making difficult changes.